The ‘Eat’ in Defeat

I’m sitting here now after a day full of activities on Mothers Day, celebrating my sweet mom and go figure…. (selfishly) all I can think about right now is how many days I’ve gone without showering.

Before you get all grossed out and plug your nose, it hasn’t actually been THAT long alright? But I sit here and I rewind to the amount of crap I have put into my body over the last few weeks. The amount of sugar, caffeine and (a little too many) carbs that have filled me up to the point of feeling nauseous and bloated. I sit here and am once again trying to put off getting into the shower. Another day of wanting to avoid seeing how my body has responded to… def(eat).

“He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.”

– Napoleon Bonaparte

Truthfully, it’s been a full two weeks since I actually continued writing on this post. Since Mothers Day Sunday, a few of us went with my sister and her fiancé to look at a potential wedding venue and HUZAHHH ding ding! We found a winner! And the weekend ended happily ever after 🙂 …

…. yeah right. Though the venue was beautiful and the meal (at the time) was wonderful, the next day I felt a little wonky heading into church. My stomach by the end of the night just had this awful feeling. Waves of nausea were crashing on by every few minutes. Not sure what the heck was wrong or what this night held for me, but believe me when I say it was not pretty.

Let’s just say, any of you that have experienced food poisoning… totally catch my drift. Beginning Sunday and just ending now on the following Friday, my week was just short of a nightmare. The point being and point of me adding this lovely story onto this post is because this week seriously showed me how much I let food control my body.

I couldn’t keep any food down at all, therefore I was barely eating. I lost around 5 pounds in 5 days and though feeling pretty disgusting and weak, I started to neglect food even when I did start to feel better. I liked that I was losing weight and it was almost an excuse not to eat.

Rewind back to when I was sitting on my bed after Mothers Day, not wanting to “look in the mirror”… I remember this feeling oh so well while I was upchucking what felt like all of my insides the following Sunday. I remember looking in the mirror, pale as a ghost and being legit scared of what was looking back at me. Now, it doesn’t help that I had started watching the show Scream on Netflix and it was late at night, but STILL. The feeling of not only disgust, but fear completely shook my body.

Trying to stick to foods that I know will fill me up but won’t fill me out are just such a concern to me that I obsess over it day in and day out. On a regular (non-sick) work week, I end up not eating enough during the day and then binge eat until the bloated feeling comes back. Being sick this week has shown me the “bloated” feeling in a whole new light and I don’t seem to like its company very much.

Defeat happens in so many different forms whether it be an overload of food or little to none at all. What I thought made me bloated and worthless, sure, still does make me feel that way sometimes. But when I don’t have enough of what I thought made me “bloat out”? Holy guacamole! It’s a whole new ball game. I’ve never truly experienced the lack of control until this week.

Maybe this food poisoning was a good way to not only clear (you know…), but to clear what’s going on in my head as well. The insane control I let food have over my life. Eating should never feel defeating.

Man am I learning this slowly. If you know me well, you know that I’ve struggled with this issue for many many years. Weight gain, weight loss… whatever it is… food is for nourishment and eating to LIVE is where my mind should be at.

If you’ve ever felt like this before, raise a dang chicken wang in the air!!

My posts on this definitely don’t end here and this is probably one of the more “informal” posts I’ve written, but I figured that I just need to start talking about it. Even if no one reads this!

Bye for now.

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