Welp. I’ve managed to avoid writing for this long, I figured it was time to get something down on this thing. Even if what I write about today is one of my biggest struggles.
I was staring at the title of this blog for a very long time after I came up with it. I thought, “what does a hurricane of doubt look like… through my eyes?” I imagine looking up to the sky as dark clouds creep closer. The fluffy white marshmallows begin to suffocate with grey smog and cough out loud thunder. What once looked bright and beautiful will turn dusky and mysterious. The wind will pick up, forcing the waves to move rapidly towards my comfort and my home. My stomach will start to clench. My hair will bluster with the wind and cover my eyes. The feeling of uncertainty, lack of conviction and even fear will then completely engulf my mind. The coughing will grow louder and so will my heart beat.
As prepared as you think you are, an incoming hurricane of doubt takes over before you can run for cover. The rain will trickle down and drench you completely, leaving you with soaked clothes and a rush of indifference.
Now that we’re all feeling some type of way, I decided to reach back into my brain to my good ol’ grade nine geography class, scanning the ‘haven’t used since who knows when’ folder and wipe off the dust. Hurricanes were always a popular research project and thankfully provide me with a fantastic analogy for you today.
No, I’m not writing this to give you a geography lesson, but rather to talk about hurricanes of doubt that I can guarantee almost everyone has experienced at one point in their lives.
A tropical storm, cyclone, tropical depression, hurricane… derives its energy from a source. This source is what fuels the heavy rain, high waves, devastating damage… doubt.
Last year, I did in fact, go through a hurricane of doubt. I broke up with my first boyfriend, had no job and no motivation to get one. I woke up everyday staring at the ceiling wondering what my purpose was. Having daily pity parties started to become habit and I cried. A lot. Throughout that relationship, I wanted so badly to just get going with school and try my hardest “preparing” to be a wife. How do you even prepare for that? ESPECIALLY in a hurricane of doubt? At this point, I was already struggling to stay afloat the doubts stained in my heart. Not specifically about the relationship, but about my own abilities and my life. I convinced myself that I wouldn’t be a good wife (rather a lazy one) because I didn’t have a stable job, a stable income and had no idea what I wanted to go to school for. On top of everything, I focused my happiness on this long distance relationship. I eventually began to doubt his abilities when he failed to meet the completely unrealistic expectations I set up because of my doubts.
Okay… let’s jump back to hurricanes for a second here. Weighing the pros and cons, inevitably, hurricanes are awful and destructive. There really are no encouraging pros. However, though heavy rains cause flooding inland, there is possibility that the once dusky and mysterious sky will relieve drought conditions and grow greener grass on the other side.
Remember that source I mentioned previously? Well, it is also said that these storms typically weaken over land where they are cut off from their energy source. I wonder what that hurricane would look like in your life just before it hits the green grass. Eh? You’re minutes, maybe seconds away from it. Hold on!
Alright, back to last years reality. The relationship I was talking about ended over a year ago. The month before actually landing a job in that year was one of the worst months I’ve ever gone through. BUT, moral of the story is that I did end up finding a job. A pretty darn great one.
I always liked to turn to this scripture during that time (and still today):
“The Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and the Lord will by no means clear the guilty. His way is in whirlwind and storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet.”
– Nahum 1:3
Hurricanes are known for their eye of the storm. The weather in the eye is normally calm and free of clouds, although the sea may be extremely violent beneath it. The nice lesson I’ve given on hurricanes is definitely surface level and not very in depth. The complexity, ever changing speeds and intensity of a storm is unknown, but sometimes, so is the source of our doubt.
Fast forward to today, I find myself in a scarcely similar position as the one I mentioned before. No, I am not in a relationship currently, but I am jobless once again. I can see hurricane doubt brewing in the distance. Fortunately, I’ve been there. I’ve witnessed the damage. Even so, this is a new storm, stemming from a new source. It’s unpredictable, but there is a point at which it weakens. I’m patiently waiting, praying and honestly… pretty excited for what’s to come.
I very much felt like this was such a cliche thing to write about today, but I hope that over time, the storm that you may be struggling through will weaken as it approaches opportunities that cut off the energy source of your doubt.
I don’t have a challenge for you this week, because I know how difficult it can be to seek out that source holding you back. However, I encourage you to have faith.
He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
– Matthew 8:26
I’d rather be brewing some coffee, but that’s not in my control…
You are made to do GREAT things, even through this stormy season.